I don't know where to start so I guess I'll start at the beginning. I have been feeling a little overwhelmed lately and I'm not quite sure why. Nothing much has changed. I remember a few weeks ago feeling like life was great. I was getting back to a good routine of work, school, exercise, and catching up with friends and family. I had an exceptionally good day on Friday, the 5th. I went for a run with my friend Susan and had a great weekend planned ahead with Markus finally home! The weather was starting to warm and spring was just around the corner
And then my beloved Grandmother had a stroke on Saturday and by Thursday she was gone. I tried to compartmentalize everything by saying it was expected, she was 86 and had been suffering from cancer for quite some time. I knew there wasn't much time left with her but you can never prepare yourself for how quickly they deteriorate before death. I have seen it before with other family members who have succumb to cancer but never with someone I was so close with.
The days between her death and the funeral are a blur. And then I went back to my normal life but it's not normal with a loved one who has been there for 30 years suddenly gone.
I don't feel that immense sadness you feel when you hear about a disaster or see sick children on television. Which is what I thought I should feel. But I do feel something that is constant and every once in awhile it rears it's head to say she is gone. Or something will trigger a memory and then it comes rushing forward. I guess this is what grief is like.
Sometimes I feel so angry that I want to scream or hit something. And sometimes I feel restless and can't think of one place I want to be other than with her. I find solace in knowing that she is in a better place and with loved ones who have passed. But I also find myself being selfish and wanting my grandmother back. It makes me so sad that my children will not know her. She was the most amazing grandmother and hopefully some of her traits will live on in me. They are very big shoes to fill and I find myself thinking of ways to be more like grandmama everyday.
I also find myself saying the serenity prayer a lot these days too, which helps to keep things in perspective and realize there is something greater than me.
Thanks for listening. It feels really good to get all of that out of me.
This is one of my favorite more recent pictures of her at my wedding. She was so happy to be there and was always smiling.